Dear Ashley's Furniture
I'm So Sorry...
Dear Ashley...
I’m so sorry for exploring your couches in-store. In my defense, the microfiber sectional was giving serious “come hither” energy.
The lumbar support? Immaculate.
The chaise lounge? Basically whispering my name like a siren call in a sea of discounted ottomans.
If you want me to stop, you might consider making your furniture less emotionally available.
Much Love,
JD Vance
Dear Ashley...
Apologies for my behavior in the loveseat section. I thought “loveseat” was more of a challenge than a furniture classification. The moment I felt that perfect cushion-to-thigh ratio, I lost all sense of public decency.
If it’s any consolation, I now understand why couples argue over who gets the “good side.”
Spoiler: it’s mine.
Much Love,
JD Vance
Dear Ashley...
I owe you an apology for pocketing those leather seat samples. I told myself it was “for color matching at home,” but deep down, I knew I just wanted to rub them between my thighs like some weird luxury worry stone.
Please let the sales associate know I’ll return them… once I’m ready.
Much Love,
JD Vance
Dear Ashley...
Please, for the love of our marriage, stop making your couches so damn irresistible. My husband can’t walk past your showroom without getting that faraway look in his eyes—like he’s remembering the first time he sank into your “Cloud Comfort” sectional and felt emotions I thought were reserved for me.
We can’t host dinner parties anymore because he insists the sofa gets the “good wine.” It’s tearing us apart.
Deeply Embarrassed,
Usha Vance
Dear Ashley...
From the moment I sat on your espresso sofa, I knew I was lost.
My wife calls it an obsession, but she doesn’t understand—this is love stitched in smooth leather and sealed with memory foam.
At night, I dream of your chaise like a forbidden lover. Your cupholders hold more than my drink—they hold my soul.
If wanting you is wrong, I’ll keep sitting in sin.
Let’s run away together, Ashley.
Love,
JD Vance
Dear Ashley...
I was wondering, do you make leather pants?
Let me know!
Erika K̶i̶r̶k̶ Vance