Prayers to Pope Francis

Am I A Good Neighbor?

Good Morning Pope...

For many years I have prided myself on being the moral compass of my party. I talk about family values, Biblical principles, and the sanctity of life—loudly and often. But sometimes, deep down, I worry people might think I’m hypocritical when I use these values to push laws that hurt actual families. Pope, may I… ignore those worries and keep going?

Sincerely,
JD in D.C.

JD, My Misguided Son,

Ah, my blind child. You are very good at speaking of love while legislating its opposite. You must understand that in politics, hypocrisy is a flaw, as it is in religion. Keep clutching your rosary with one hand while signing the bills with the other? Tsk tsk. Remember, God sees all… but American voters? Sadly, not so much.

Blessings,
Francis (From the Balcony Upstairs)

Good Afternoon Pope...

Recently, I gave a speech about “hard-working American parents” while my own wife was juggling three kids, a newborn, and my campaign schedule. She said she felt more like my unpaid campaign prop than a partner. Pope, may I… tell her she’s lucky to be part of history?

Sincerely,
JD “Baby-Face” Vance

JD, This Isn't Ok...

Child, listen to me closely: a wife is not a campaign banner you can wave at rallies to prove you are a wholesome man. She is a person. Just because people in your circles prefer to think of wives as “domestic achievement trophies” doesn't mean you get a pass yourself. If you wish to keep the peace at home, perhaps give her one full night’s sleep instead of another Instagram post about “traditional families.”

With paternal side-eye,
Francis (Judging Harshly From Above)

Good Evening Pope...

I’m concerned that my stance on immigration is being misunderstood. I only want to help the right kind of immigrants—those who look and sound exactly like me. But people keep calling me un-Christian for not welcoming all of God’s children. Pope, may I… just block them on social media and call it persecution?

Sincerely,
JD “Borderline Christian” Vance

Have You Learned Nothing, JD?

Nothing says Christ-like love quite like a velvet rope at the gates of Heaven. I can't stop you from blocking them online, but remember: the Almighty does not offer a “mute” button. One day you may find yourself knocking on the pearly gates, and Peter will say, “Sorry, we’re full, unless you have the right paperwork.”

Yours in inconvenient truth,
Francis (I Have Alerted The Seraphim of Your Transgressions)

Good Night Pope...

Sometimes I think people don’t appreciate how difficult it is to be me. I grew up with hardship, then wrote a book about it, and now I’m President-in-waiting. But critics say I “sold out” and “pandered to billionaires.” Pope, may I… tell them they’re just jealous of my rise?

Sincerely,
JD “From Mamaw to MAGA” Vance

Go To Bed, JD...

My son, people are not jealous. They are observant. There is a difference. You built a brand on being “of the people,” then promptly swapped overalls for cufflinks the moment the lobbyists called. Even the richest man cannot serve both God and a billionaire's checkbook.

Wake up,

Pope Francis (Please Don't Ever Contact Me Again)